Malteasers Buttons Reviews
The best thing about Maltesers Buttons is that they make me appreciate 3D shapes more than I ever have before. In fact, the very name Malteasers Buttons, which lacks the appropriate apostrophe, claws its way from my tongue as opposed to leaping from it, leaving a rather sour taste in my mouth.
Of course, that is not to say that Maltesers Buttons are sour, but instead provide an overdose of sickly Mars chocolate that leaves one’s stomach screaming for the support of a glass of milk. While the original Maltesers combine a suitable level of chocolate and malt, thus allowing the treat to succulently melt in one’s mouth, Maltesers Buttons are practically maltless, and leave me questioning where I will acquire the appropriate malt levels for my balanced diet. The buttons tease the prospect of the superior original confectionary product upon touching the tongue, but never deliver on the promise. Hope is snatched away within an instant.
The practicality of the buttons also leaves much to be desired. Being a sphere, the original Malteser made the perfect weapon and/or toy. Its light weight allowed for it to gracefully glide through the air into one’s mouth, yet also made it the perfect ally when needing to injure enemies. Malteasers Buttons are much less aerodynamic, and fail to even act as a frisbee. For purposes other than eating, Maltesers Buttons remain useless, making them one of Britain’s most boring confectionery product manufactured in years.
To further my disappointment, the taglines on the packet, such as “cute as a button” and “everyone’s favourite new flat-mate” feel like complete false advertisement. The rugged appearance of Maltesers Buttons take away from the cute charm that a normal button often possesses, and even the fear of seeing my flat-mates walking around naked surpasses this shallow cash grab in flat-sharing desirability.
Simply put, after spending £1.50 on these little bastards, I hope that I suffocate on one of them so that I no longer have to live with the knowledge that I chose them over Milky Bar Chocolate Buttons. Of course I will finish the rest of the packet, but it will come with the taste of dissatisfaction and disappointment. They are not bad, and if you like Maltesers then you will probably like Maltesers Buttons, but why settle for the Shit Tier green grape when you could settle for the God Tier red grape?